The Tunnel

The last four days (two weeks, really) have been an adjective that is the level above crappy - but because this is a family-friendly blog, we'll stick with... crappy. The past four days: I've been nauseated pretty constantly and have had a really low appetite. Certain smells or images can make me more nauseated. My neck hasn't gotten too much better, and I feel weak and fatigued.

The most difficult part for me, though, is having no control over this. Prior to cancer, many of my pains or discomforts were caused by something I could fix. Unfortunately, this is a situation I don't have any power over... the only control I do have is over my attitude. It's not possible in life, but especially when you're being pumped with chemotherapy, to be positive all the time. I'm a trooper and kicked butt in the first month... but I also had a much easier time the first month physically than this week has been. A lot of my troubles the first month - aside from the first week in the hospital - was relatively easy on a physical level. My physical side effects weren't too painful or discomforting (even the blood clot didn't put me in too much physical pain, despite being terrified that my heart was going to explode). The nausea and neck pain of these past two weeks have been the most uncomfortable & painful side effects yet.

It's sometimes hard to feel like getting cancer gives my life purpose that it didn't have before, or that pain has a reason - I find it hard to believe in some divine or higher purpose for human suffering ... Nevertheless, I find this quote from Lance Armstrong interesting... at times frustrating, at times inspiring... but always something to ponder.

Cancer taught me a plan for more purposeful living, and that in turn taught me how to train and to win more purposefully. It taught me that pain has a reason, and that sometimes the experience of losing things–whether health or a car or an old sense of self–has its own value in the scheme of life. Pain and loss are great enhancers. -- Lance Armstrong.

I always keep the light at the end of the tunnel in plain sight, but sometimes it is OK to feel at home inside the tunnel. After all: if there were no pain, disease, violence, or suffering in the world - what would inspire individuals to be optimistic? If 'the negative' did not exist, what would there to be positive about? We wouldn't know how to 'be positive'. Life's not fair or fun all of the time, and these times make us appreciate the good times that much more.