Karma Doesn't Like Sarcasm

Last night we had a little adventure...

I started skipping heart beats last night while I was watching my late night shows. My oncologist wanted me to go get everything checked out at the Emergency Room because of my history with the pulmonary embolism and other heart issues back during the first month of treatment.

After basically a night of no sleep, a crappy ER bed, and a morning of a bunch of tests... the good news is that it is nothing serious. It is most likely the Doxorubicin drug... but - just my luck! - neither the oncologists nor the cardiologist who checked me out believe that it is harmful enough to hold my next two (and final) doses these next two weeks of the drug. I'm going to be wearing a heart monitor on Tuesday and Wednesday to make sure.

We got to the ER last night around midnight and left the oncology floor around noon today. None of us got any sleep and I just woke up after sleeping for four hours.

5 Days of Fun

Monday - I felt great. Had a doctor's appointment for count check and clearance to begin this last phase before Maintenance. My counts were mostly decent and high enough to begin.

Tuesday - early morning spinal tap procedure with anastesia and chemo, two other chemo drugs, and starting a week of steroids (this time it's dexamethasone). I was incredibly tired and loopy yesterday, and had some nausea and spinal pain.

Wednesday - today I had an appointment with the gastrointestinal specialist to discuss abdominal pain, constipation, nausea and vomiting that I have experienced on-and-off since April. Oncologists want to make sure all my internal organs are OK, so they checked liver and pancreas levels from blood sample (all good) and now the GI doc wants to perform an endoscopy to make sure I don't have any inflammation or ulcers in my digestive system. I don't think I do, but better safe than sorry. I am still incredibly exhausted and run-down from yesterday's nastiness... don't have any real mental, emotional, or physical strength today.

Thursday - tomorrow I am going for the actual endoscopy. They'll put me under anastesia and stick a little tube and camera down my throat in order to take pictures of my esophagus, stomach, and intestines.

Friday - I will be getting the second-to-last dose of Peg Aspariginase. This is the chemo drug they believe caused my blood clot back in May and is the reason I am on the twice-a-day blood thinning shots. Just one more dose in early December, and then 3-4 weeks later I will be done with the shots and this nasty chemo drug.

Nothing new

Nothing too new to report. Threw up yesterday randomly, it was strange! Other than that I have been feeling better... enjoying it before chemo comes again in a few days. My friend Lydia ran 11 miles today in her journey to help cure leukemia and lymphoma - can you help?

A Tiny Break

The chemo fog is drifting away and I'm starting to feel a lot better. I had some pretty bad neuropathy - nerve pain - the past couple days in my lower spine. Other than that, no major issues. I have had more energy and a much better appetite. I'm getting as much done this week as possible because next week is the start of the next phase: Monday and Wednesday are doctor appointments and Tuesday and Friday are chemo days. I'll really miss this phase that I'm leaving in the dust, because chemo every ten days will seem like heaven pretty soon. But the countdown to "Maintenance" is coming (and will start once I actually begin). Should be the best Christmas gift I've ever received.

Invictus

A poem for every cancer patient, mother,
and anyone else who has conquered
against the toughest of odds.

Invictus
by William Ernest Henley

	Out of the night that covers me
	Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
	I thank whatever gods may be
	For my unconquerable soul.
	In the fell clutch of circumstance, I have not winced nor cried aloud.
	Under the bludgeonings of chance
	My head is bloody, but unbowed.
	Beyond this place of wrath and tears
	Looms but the Horror of the shade,
	And yet the menace of the years
	Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
	It matters not how strait the gate,
	How charged with punishments the scroll,
	I am the master of my fate:
	I am the captain of my soul.

Survival

Yesterday I got the highest escalated dose of Methotrexate and the regular dose of Vincristine. I am experiencing similar symptoms so far today - achey, exhausted, worn down, a little nausea. My counts had dropped lower, but not low enough to warrant being considered 'toxic.' Dare I challenge the chemo to make me toxic this time? Let's hope not. They sure are dropping though. If my body recovers enough within the next two weeks after dealing with this current dose, I'll start re-induction/delayed intensification at the end of October.

Sometimes I wonder who is winning: the cancer? or Me? The only way to kill the leukemia cells is to be routinely pumped full of toxic chemicals. These chemicals make me feel crappy, have weird issues with my stomach, kill of all my immune system so I can't have much fun. But the truth is that I'm kicking cancer's puny little ass. Yeah, I said it. Chemo sucks, and some days I want to curl up in a ball in the dark. Other days I want to yell at the ceiling or kick something to release the anger that I have because of cancer. When I'm not puking, I want to puke. When I'm not sleeping, I want to sleep. When the chemo has killed too many of my red cells or platelets, I need to be infused so I can stand up without passing out. And just when I start feeling better, I shuffle back into the clinic and get pumped full again. If cancer were a person, it would be the most vile, repulsive, evil and demonic being to walk the planet. (No, I'm not talking about Dick Cheney). But seriously - if it walked the earth in human form, I would seriously violate my lifelong code of peace and nonviolence in order to torture, dismember, and burn the guy. In the end I'm still kicking butt though... because in order to survive, there's no other choice.

Now, I don't believe that putting positive thoughts into the world will give me positive results. I have been a positive and caring person my entire life and I got cancer for no known reason. None of the kids in the hospital or clinic look like they have sent evil nasty thoughts into the world. Hell - some of the patients with nasty forms of leukemia and lymphoma probably don't even HAVE thoughts, they are so young. But just because I don't believe positive attracts positive, that doesn't mean I'm negative. No no no. Negative gets you nowhere. And just from observing people, negativity tends to attract negative. It's unproductive.

I like to consider myself a realist. And I guess the point of all this chemo-brain-induced nonsense is that there are days that are rough. I have had most of the worst days of my life during these past six months... and I'm sure to have a couple more before the year is over. But I survived and I am blessed to have survived. That's what life is all about - surviving. Surviving in order to pursue our dreams, find our soul mates, inspire others and be inspired, travel the world, and helping others survive too. Nobody deserves to have cancer, or HIV/AIDS, ALS, heart disease, or any other life-threatening disease. So I know I have a little leukemia fund raiser here, and sometimes I will plead with anyone reading to go donate blood (and to challenge existing donation policies that are discriminatory), or to engage in a civil discussion about health care in this country. My point is that we shouldn't just be dedicating ourselves to one month or one marathon for the things we care about. Yes, it raises a lot of money and awareness for a great cause - but every month should be breast cancer awareness month, black history month, HIV/AIDS awareness month, etc... These marathons and awareness drives are a part of a larger effort, but as human beings we have the great capacity to be engaged in multiple causes at the same time. Just imagine how much power we could harness if every month had the same dedication to breast cancer awareness as it does right now... until we cure it. We must be relentless. In order to survive, we must work together. Together we can beat insurmountable odds. Together with my doctors, my friends, and my family - I survived cancer.

Ups & Downs

This phase has been a mixed blessing. While I would hesitate to use the phrase that I have "felt good" at any point since April, this phase has been less intense than the previous two. That said, I still have lots of issues going on (I can read some of your minds - what else is new). Since you really want to know, the chemo drugs I am currently on cause constipation. It has also caused some stomach pain (stomach cramps, or irritation of the organ). When that is happening, my appetite has been less but it has generally stayed up. Headaches and body aches have been frequent. Nausea has not been such an issue the past couple weeks which I have been grateful for. And finally, and completely unrelated to cancer, my allergies have been really bad. I begin the last phase before Maintenance in just a few weeks. The light is at the end of the tunnel... or something like that. Hey - have I mentioned that my friend is running a marathon in January to help raise money for leukemia and lymphoma? Thank you for all your love, help, and support.

Zombieland

I woke up with the worst hangover this morning. What did I do last night? ...Oh - it's just from the chemo. I'm trying to keep my eyes open today, and I'm achey all over. The doc must have hit a non-sensitive spot in my spine this time, because so far I don't have any nerve pain. My pancreatic levels came back normal, which is good, and they did an ultrasound on my heart yesterday too in preparation for the next phase. If anything is wrong with that, I'm sure they'll let us know. On a brighter side, the weather is starting to be gorgeous around here.