Survival

Yesterday I got the highest escalated dose of Methotrexate and the regular dose of Vincristine. I am experiencing similar symptoms so far today - achey, exhausted, worn down, a little nausea. My counts had dropped lower, but not low enough to warrant being considered 'toxic.' Dare I challenge the chemo to make me toxic this time? Let's hope not. They sure are dropping though. If my body recovers enough within the next two weeks after dealing with this current dose, I'll start re-induction/delayed intensification at the end of October.

Sometimes I wonder who is winning: the cancer? or Me? The only way to kill the leukemia cells is to be routinely pumped full of toxic chemicals. These chemicals make me feel crappy, have weird issues with my stomach, kill of all my immune system so I can't have much fun. But the truth is that I'm kicking cancer's puny little ass. Yeah, I said it. Chemo sucks, and some days I want to curl up in a ball in the dark. Other days I want to yell at the ceiling or kick something to release the anger that I have because of cancer. When I'm not puking, I want to puke. When I'm not sleeping, I want to sleep. When the chemo has killed too many of my red cells or platelets, I need to be infused so I can stand up without passing out. And just when I start feeling better, I shuffle back into the clinic and get pumped full again. If cancer were a person, it would be the most vile, repulsive, evil and demonic being to walk the planet. (No, I'm not talking about Dick Cheney). But seriously - if it walked the earth in human form, I would seriously violate my lifelong code of peace and nonviolence in order to torture, dismember, and burn the guy. In the end I'm still kicking butt though... because in order to survive, there's no other choice.

Now, I don't believe that putting positive thoughts into the world will give me positive results. I have been a positive and caring person my entire life and I got cancer for no known reason. None of the kids in the hospital or clinic look like they have sent evil nasty thoughts into the world. Hell - some of the patients with nasty forms of leukemia and lymphoma probably don't even HAVE thoughts, they are so young. But just because I don't believe positive attracts positive, that doesn't mean I'm negative. No no no. Negative gets you nowhere. And just from observing people, negativity tends to attract negative. It's unproductive.

I like to consider myself a realist. And I guess the point of all this chemo-brain-induced nonsense is that there are days that are rough. I have had most of the worst days of my life during these past six months... and I'm sure to have a couple more before the year is over. But I survived and I am blessed to have survived. That's what life is all about - surviving. Surviving in order to pursue our dreams, find our soul mates, inspire others and be inspired, travel the world, and helping others survive too. Nobody deserves to have cancer, or HIV/AIDS, ALS, heart disease, or any other life-threatening disease. So I know I have a little leukemia fund raiser here, and sometimes I will plead with anyone reading to go donate blood (and to challenge existing donation policies that are discriminatory), or to engage in a civil discussion about health care in this country. My point is that we shouldn't just be dedicating ourselves to one month or one marathon for the things we care about. Yes, it raises a lot of money and awareness for a great cause - but every month should be breast cancer awareness month, black history month, HIV/AIDS awareness month, etc... These marathons and awareness drives are a part of a larger effort, but as human beings we have the great capacity to be engaged in multiple causes at the same time. Just imagine how much power we could harness if every month had the same dedication to breast cancer awareness as it does right now... until we cure it. We must be relentless. In order to survive, we must work together. Together we can beat insurmountable odds. Together with my doctors, my friends, and my family - I survived cancer.